I extend registration vests to the REAL menace on our roads

October 13, 2014 at 11:46 am | Posted in cycling | 4 Comments
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Now that the campaign is well under way to enforce registration vests for cyclists [caution: opens Daily Mail article], I’d like to extend it to another group of irresponsible road users, whose reckless behaviour is responsible for countless accidents that go unreported, simply because they don’t occur in cities.

Some of my best friends are sheep. Living in the countryside, it’s important that we all get along – that we show each other mutual respect.


Key contributors of ozone-depleting methane gas. Or something

But increasingly, I’m seeing sheep barefacedly refusing to acknowledge that the person who is bigger is always right. Instead of sticking to the nice, safe fields designated for their use – fields built with huge sums of taxpayers’ cash – they insist on dicing with death on the roads. They appear from nowhere out of the fog, very few of them using adequate lights or reflectors. Oblivious to the fact that their grey coats render them all but invisible against Yorkshire skies, they stubbornly refuse to wear the recommended hi-vis clothing.

Moreover, once on the roads, do they stay in single file, allowing motorists to pass carefully and go about their law-abiding business? No, these wool-wankers amble along in packs, their stupid little tails rotating as they trot, while car drivers on important trips to country pubs are held up for hours.

And they’re so insufferably holier-than-thou! Out in the open air, vegetarian diet, plenty of exercise, yes, yes, we know. Yawn.

But the worst thing is they are intent on teaching these terrifying habits to their offspring. Earlier this year I looked up from checking Facebook as I was driving along a rural road, to suddenly see a gaggle of sheep in my path. Some of them were lambs who looked to be nothing more than a few weeks old. And not a single one was wearing a helmet. It’s time these cloven-hoofed crackpots were put in their place.

So, I ask for your support in backing my campaign for sheep registration. In time, this can be extended to other jaywalking, motorist-endangering nuisances like pheasants, squirrels and hedgehogs.tabby cats



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  1. One of my cycling pals was taken out by a pheasant the other week, flew into the speeding wheel – broken shoulder blade, broken forks & lots of bruising & road burns, so I feel I should support this.

    • Blimey! According to Michael Hutchinson, one of his friends bisected a pheasant with an aero wheel at Blenheim one year, so perhaps this is karmic revenge…

  2. my main objection to cyclist number plates is publically riding around with the means for people to work out what year I was first made on my person

    with sheep I fear if they had identifying numbers then counting them would be lost as a method of getting to sleep and I’d be back on the temazepan again

    • haha! Someone on twitter told me sheep already have identifying numbers… not sure they show up clearly enough on speed cameras, though

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