Where to put your turbo trainer

November 25, 2017 at 2:33 pm | Posted in cycling | Leave a comment

Winter. That time of year when you throw open the curtains, look upon the cold, wet, windy, sleety, snowy, slushy, icy mess the world has suddenly become, and think, “It’s 2017. Surely there’s a nice, sheltered, climate-controlled exercise option?”

Yes, it’s turbo trainer time. I’ve written before on how to enjoy  get the best out of  salvage some miserable grain of positivity from your turbo sessions, but one aspect I neglected is the important choice of where to set up the trainer. I’ll run through your options while you get your shorts on.

1. Kitchen.
   • Pros: Practical floor covering for wiping up sweat puddles after you’ve finished that round of MonstahEpicBashRite™ intervals. Close to sources of water and snacks. Great view out of the window on to the snow-covered hills, where your rivals will be training. Ha! More fool them! You’re inside! Nice and warm! Working hard! Really hard! Are they working harder, though? I mean, it’s great training, riding against the wind. And all that ice and slush is perfect for improving your ‘cross skills. What if they’re just, you know, a bit stronger than you?
     

     Winter hills. Absolutely nobody is out there being epic. Don’t worry

2. Living room.
   • Pros: Nice big TV for watching MonstahEpicBashRite™ videos and pretending you’re Lars Van Der Haar. Absorbent floor covering for soaking up sweat puddles. Convenient sofa for resting between intervals.
   • Cons: No net curtains, so passing strangers can look in and see you going nowhere fast. They’re all kitted out in their hiking boots and breathable gaiters and ice spikes and ThermaResolve™ 4-season outerwear, and you know they’ve got bivvy bags and emergency flares and space food and a copy of Into Thin Air in their ergonomic backpacks. Are they laughing at you? They’re laughing, aren’t they.
3. Bathroom.
   • Pros: Practical floor covering, etc. etc.. Towel rail for putting your sweat towel on. Close to loo, because you’re going to work so hard on your MonstahEpicBashRite™ intervals, you might actually throw up, like Laura Kenny. You really might. You won’t feel bad when you don’t, though, will you? It doesn’t mean anything.
4. Garage.
   • Pros: Nice and cool. Lots of heavy-duty garden equipment around to remind you that you are a DOER who gets things DONE with your MUSCLES. No need to even worry about the sweat puddles; that’s what happens when you get things DONE with your MUSCLES. Your neighbour sees you in your bike kit and says, with a hint of admiration, “Going out for a ride? In this?! Wow. Proper hardcore.” You go back into the house and hide until she’s gone.
5. Bedroom.
   • Pros: Upstairs, so no-one can see in. Comforting, familiar environment. Lots of soft furnishings to muffle sounds of existential-angst screaming.
6. Cupboard under stairs.
   • Pros: Turbo trainer can go back in here, folded up nicely, when you admit defeat and go out for a ride.