The war on columnists

November 7, 2013 at 1:09 pm | Posted in cycling | 1 Comment
Tags: anger, bicycle pumps, columnists, cycling, frustration, humour, ire, rage

Statistics show that, despite the so-called ‘war on columnists’, ad hominem attacks on columnists are still depressingly rare. As a cyclist, I’m concerned that more columnists aren’t being tortured horribly and sadistically with multitools. These pyjama prats, with their expensive laptops and fatuous cups of tea, hold up the rest of us with their self-righteous opinions while we try to get somewhere important, like the film section. It’s worst at the weekend, with armies of them writing two or even three abreast with no thought for busy readers trying to get past them to find out when Borgen starts again. Why should they be in our magazines at all, when they don’t even have to pay for them?

Meanwhile, popular, award-winning columnists are just making it worse. Soon every Rod, Jan or Petronella will be pulling on a onesie and cracking their knuckles. We won’t be able to move for #bloodycolumnists, writing wherever they like without a thought for the laws of journalism the rest of us have to abide by, like research and accountability. Why, if I had a pound for every time I’ve seen a columnist BWJ (bandwagon-jump), I’d be rich enough to start my own magazine.

No doubt this blogpost will attract the usual high-pitched accusations of inciting anti-columnist hatred. Columnists are well-known for being a humourless, self-important bunch; I’m one myself, so I should know. No, I just want us to hit columnists where it really hurts: in the pageviews. Although, if you can reach their ridiculous, showy, grinning little avatar with your bicycle pump, I’m looking the other way.